Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Mao hear this

YOU KNOW, as much as I love the olympics, I'm really torn about the "08-08-08" (marketing people love having fun with numbers) games. Maybe China will start the games at 8:08 and 8 seconds? Of course, that'd be China-time. Because everything is China. China is the best. China is good. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Or the thousands dying in Darfur at his feet. Or the entire culture of a proud and peaceful "region" of the country. China is happy. Did someone say lead paint in kids' toys? Nonsense. It's all Snowball's fault.

All I know is, if I wasn't so cynical, I might consider boycotting watching them.

I really don't know what China is. By the time Guns 'N Roses finally releases Chinese Democracy, the country might actually be a democracy. Or so they will tell the world. The People's Republic of China (lies in name: two, to steal from Jon Stewart) will always be communist. No amount of bleach will ever get the red out of their flag.

Or off their hands.

I really wish I could reprint columns we run in our paper. There was an excellent one by Nat Hentoff a couple months ago about why the UN is defunct. But there's also a great one in today about a Rose Bowl float supporting China.

The country's relationship with Sudan almost directly contributes to the genocide in Darfur. But that's Pop humanitarianism talk. Darfur's all the rage, so fire up the bleeding heart machine and we'll get these buggers to understand it's bad.

What about Tibet? Since the '50s, China has "assumed autonomous control" of "their region" of Xijiang, or whatever they want to call it. The PROC brought with it a "call to reunite" former Chinese lands to "preserve the brotherhood" or some bullshit. Yeah, go attack a bunch of monks who mind their own business. You think they'll fight back? They're freaking monks you communist pigs.

Good for you, you've conquered monks. That's like Italy trying to invade Ethiopia in WWII. Only the Italians failed at even that. But Monks don't use even spears and shields. So congratulations, you've "reunited lost brothers in communism." What do the monks get? Well since a principle part of their belief structure revolves around their spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, dying in Tibet (which does not exist anymore), you've fucked them over. Royally. Every time a Dalai Lama dies, Buddhists must now search the whole world for his reincarnation.

And, while we're at it, let's make it an even three strikes.

Question: you have what some might refer to as one of the natural wonders of the world -- three magnificent gorges, teeming with life, history and people. What do you do with it? Oh you're also hard up for cash.

A). Preserve it and offer tours to visitors from around the world?
B). Preserve it and let no one see it. Filthy un-communists do not deserve to lay eyes on its beauties
C). Leave it alone. What does the chairman care about some trees?

Of course you choose secret option D! Build the largest dam in the world against the engineering advice of the US and Germany and who knows who else! Displace hundreds of your citizens and ruin an ancient ecosystem to provide power to your cities! What do the Western dogs know about building dams anyway? It will be fine! Long live China!

For these and many reasons, China should not be trusted with -- or championed for -- presenting the ancient tradition of world cooperation and competition that is the Olympic Games. Get your own house in order before you try and present yourself as a unified front to the world, China.

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